So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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