Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
