Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
did i just pee glitter
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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