i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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