I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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