My boss' voice literally gives me gas
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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