Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
this hospital has no fireball
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
