My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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