My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hippo gnu deer
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You ruined the universe
Randomize