Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
