I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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