If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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