I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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