FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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