I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
