spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is her dick bigger than yours?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
