So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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