When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
