Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
