Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
