smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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