This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
we're so committed to being not committed
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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