Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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