I smell stomach acid.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm passing your future prison.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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