i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
