I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
