My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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