i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize