She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
