She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
