Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
