he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
