She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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