the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
