Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
