so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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