Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This house was built for laser tag.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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