His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
