I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
