my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
