There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I love having hate sex.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
