I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize