All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
