a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
