you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
