Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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