I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
