Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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