dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
