We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
