I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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