I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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