My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
This is classic penis vs brain.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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