I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
