What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
