my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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