dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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