Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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