Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
