sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
