Umm I'm too high to move.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
