He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
