Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
