i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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