Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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