I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
