All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
