Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
