mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize